๐๏ธโ๐จ๏ธ "Deconstruction" is not Deconversion, and Stigmatizing it Harms Christians Too
Last Updated: 3ย months, 2ย weeks ago
What the term "Deconstruction of Faith" Actually Means
I've been watching this video by Kristi Burke, an ex-Christian content creator who speaks about deconstruction on Youtube and Tik Tok.
Only 4 minutes into the video I already found myself thinking that there was a lot I too wanted to shed some light on regarding the often-misused and misunderstood term "deconstruction" when it comes to faith.
Kristi Burke's video about John MacArthur being Wrong about Deconstruction
The (Mis)use of the Term: "Deconstruction" is not Deconversion
Firstly, it's important to note that Pastor John MacArthur confuses deconstruction with deconversion.
This misconception is a trend that I seem to keep seeing a lot of when conservative Christian influencers talk about deconstruction.
What is Deconstruction?
The Cambridge Dictionary defines Deconstruction as:
The act of breaking something down into its separate parts in order to understand its meaning, especially when this is different from how it was previously understood
Relating to beliefs, deconstruction is simply the process of examining and dissecting your own beliefs and assumptions about the world, your epistemology, to basically sense-check how you got to them, and whether they actually hold water.
This makes a lot of sense to do given many things we didn't question when we were younger, perhaps even learning as children, might not have been based on the best evidence and have shaped other beliefs and assumptions we held onto as adults. We may have forgotten the reasons we even held onto certain beliefs in the first place until we actually dig into how we reached these conclusions in the first place! In fact, deconstruction can often go hand in hand with processing childhood trauma for this same reason.
Deconstruction is not limited to faith, and, as Kristi Burke points out in her video, hopefully, this is something we are doing all the time. Deconstruction in practical terms is simply making sure your epistemology and any other beliefs have an actual leg to stand on.
For those who want a more in-depth look at the origins and history of this philosophy, Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy has a great comprehensive explanation which I found very helpful.
Stigmatizing Deconstruction implies that Questioning Your Beliefs is Wrong
On top of this conflation of deconstruction and deconversion, deconstruction as I've seen it represented by conservative Christians tends to be seen in a negative light, as something that is harmful if not immoral.
Hand in hand with that goes the notion that everyone who leaves the faith does so "in order to sin" or "to avoid accountability". I will avoid going down this rabbit hole for now - likely I will write a separate post on that notion - but I think it is worth pointing out that I believe this assumption is at the root of a lot of the accusations levied against people undergoing faith deconstruction or who deconverted after their deconstruction.
The reason I point this assumption out is it may shed more light on the claim that people who deconstruct were "not real Christians".
Saying Deconstructors were "Not Real Christians" is harmful to Christians and their Message
If you in any way see the Christian calling as evangelising or wish to persuade people that your faith is the correct one, this is harmful to that process.
This was something I noticed Pastor MacArthur imply early on in the video, and sadly it did not surprise me. It also ties in with the latter implication: that people only leave the faith out of a desire to "sin", or "avoid accountability".
Here is why this is harmful:
- It is isolating.
- It is incorrect.
If anything, the opposite is more likely. Many people who never believed wouldn't have to deconstruct that belief in the first place - there would be no belief to deconstruct!
Remember, deconstruction is not deconversion, it is an analysis of your beliefs. If you don't hold those beliefs in the first place, you don't have to deconstruct them.
Whether someone is deconstructing or deconverting, the only way you can know if someone truly believed before is to ask them.
Flawed Assumptions ...
It can be incredibly difficult to accept this as the reality, that someone may have sincerely believed and then is no longer convinced, and acknowledging this can come with a lot of worrying implications, such as the fear of losing one's own salvation. I will probably address this too in another post, as I have a lot to say on that matter.
But in reality, perpetuating this belief is the kind of misdirection that will completely undermine your attempts to reach them if you are hoping to evangelise to them.
Just like in marketing, if you do not understand the audience you are talking to or what they are looking for, you will not be able to reach them. Trying to convince someone looking to buy a car that they are wrong and that what they actually want is a book on cars, is just going to immediately drive them away (no pun intended).
The deconstructing person knows what they are looking for. Regardless of what a pastor or other external person may assume, they do not know what is going on inside that person's head, only the person with the questions knows what their questions are. What they are actually looking for are answers to their sincerely held questions. The best way to find out what they want is to ask them.
Assuming that the person is being disingenuous in their reasons will make you address the wrong problem.
... Will Put You On The Wrong (and Harmful) Track
Let's look at the harmful "solutions" believers employ when they believe this to be the reason someone is deconstructing or converted:
Accusing them of being disingenuous: This will not answer their questions, it just shuts down the conversation entirely, because it shows them you won't listen and therefore they won't be able to correct your misconception. All you can do then is play the same tape of reasons they've heard from everyone else making the same accusation whose pastor also told them the same prevalent belief. It's not new or helpful information to them, it's just insulting.
Appealing to God, Hell or a Bible verse as a reason they should listen: This is unlikely to work. Firstly, they have most likely heard those verses before, having been in the faith just as you have. Secondly, If what they are deconstructing is whether there is sufficient evidence that the Bible or Christian teachings are a trustworthy authority above other authorities in the first place, you cannot convince them by simply quoting those messages back to them.
On top of that, being talked over, assumed to be lying and accused simply puts people off talking to you because that type of conversation is both unconstructive and unpleasant.
Trying to gaslight them that you know their own mind better than they do will also not be helpful - it is abusive, and is likely to only drive them further away from both you and the church community you or they are part of.
What is Actually Helpful when Someone is Deconstructing?
Be Genuine and Respectful - Do Not Pressure Them
The only way to reach them on any level is to ask them what they believe or are seeking to know, actually treat them as equals with equal capacity to rationalize and know their own minds.
Listen To Them - Really Listen!
Listen to their story, their reasons, their questions, really listen, and take their concerns in good faith. Don't just wait for your turn to talk.
If you struggle with listening, I find the best way to truly be able to help someone else with questions is, paradoxically, to not assume I know the answers in the first place or feel pressured to provide answers at all, and instead to rather treat the conversation as a learning exercise for myself - I am learning how this person thinks and what they believe and if I have something helpful I can share with them I will do that.
Don't Try To Push Answers Onto Them
The next step, if you think you have a helpful answer:
- Check your assumptions Are you about to tell them something they have likely already likely heard? A frustration many people either deconstruct or deconvert from their faith is the assumption that they do not know the basics of the faith they are now leaving, including the same flawed teachings you may have heard about why people deconstruct or deconvert.
- Ask yourself if it answers their actual question or concern Notice, I emphasized if in the last section too: If I have something helpful I will share it.
- ask politely first if you can give them some advice or recommendations.
- Be Specific make sure you are addressing a specific point they raised not just trying to push general resource on them, like a "great book by a Christian intellectual" (e.g. Lee Strobel or C.S Lewis), if it is unrelated to their specific questions.
- Don't push them - don't try to "sell" an argument to them if they say it is irrelevant to them or actually doesn't address the questions themselves.
Good Discussion or "Debate" rules
I'm really not advocating seeking out a debate, but given conversations like this can turn into debates, ask first if they are comfortable with where the conversation is going. Even in a debate, try to keep the conversation respectful and compassionate. Conversational boundaries are important to be mindful of.
Beyond the above boundaries already stated, when in doubt, if things seem heated in conversation or it seems one or both of you are becoming tense or upset, it's always good to check in with the other person whether they are still comfortable continuing the conversation or not, and tell them that it is ok if they prefer to pause it.
Similarly, if you find yourself becoming upset or irritated, you may want to rather pause the conversation for your own and their sakes.
Be considerate, and do not try to weaponize someone's emotions against them. Focus on specific points.
Personally, the only "debates" I like to engage in are more like discussions where we both hope to learn something, and I think being focused on trying to "win" a debate in this kind of situation, which is deeply personal and involves a lot of vulnerability from the person you are talking to, will only incentivise the "takedown" tactics rather than actually being helpful to them or you, and could risk hurting and isolating them and making them regret opening up to you.
My take is that in general, these tactics aren't helpful to the people involved, though they may look good in public or political debates and be promoted on social media, where the goal is generally to persuade the audience to align with a specific personality or position, rather than to convince the person they are speaking to of the evidence for a claim.
People often do not appreciate their personal struggle being turned into a debate at their expense, particularly when they may be wrestling with potential existential crises and the fears of losing their community and relationships, so it is not a good or smart idea to punch down with cheap shots on someone who opens up to you.
It's OK to Not have all the Answers
I want to reiterate to not try to give answers you don't have. Just as they had to admit their own limitations in order to deconstruct, you need to be willing to admit your own limitations if you don't know the answers to their questions.
You may not be able to answer them, and that is a tough thing to have to deal with emotionally sometimes, but it's best to just be honest. They are responsible for their own deconstruction journey, and a reasonable person will likely respect you more for being honest about what you don't know.*
Take Care of Yourself, Too
It is likely to be stressful when you encounter that your friend is deconstructing their faith and may no longer hold the same beliefs, particularly if you believe there are consequences for that.
But it is important to take care of yourself and not let that fear influence how you perceive them. They are likely going through a difficult time in questioning aspects of their faith, and pressuring them or projecting your own fears onto them will not help them.
It is ok to not feel equipped to help them through this process, or to prefer to avoid deconstruction conversations while still being a friend to someone - you don't have to be able to solve all of their problems or have answers to all of their questions.
If you truly believe the words of the Bible when it says "Seek and you will find", and that those who seek the truth shall know it and be set free, and if you truly believe that the truth of God's existence is self-evident, then someone sincerely examining their faith and seeking genuine answers need not be something which scares you.
If you believe in a good God, you should not fear that He would disregard someone who is genuinely seeking Him and wants to make sure they are not following the wrong teaching.
If you do this, and continue to treat your deconstructing or converted friends as the same people they've always been to you, with the same love and respect, I promise they will appreciate you far more than if you dismiss them for it, and they may even be willing to keep you in the loop regarding their journey and be open to discussing further questions they have with you.
* The big exception to the "I don't know" rule is when goalposts are shifted with the assumption that someone should still accept a claim or command without said evidence!
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